To whom it may concern

Dear sir,

It is with the utmost of regret that we have to inform you that you have seven days to vacate your room. After careful deliberation the owner of The Grand Uterus Hotel has decided to close for renovations. (Okay boy, I’ll be honest with you, there is no time for your mother and I to go to South America anymore. We need you to come quickly so we can get this child raising business out of the way and get our vacation plans back on track.)

The last few months have seen the infrastructure of the establishment deteriorate quickly and thus, for your own safety you will have to leave the premises. (Also your mother is now more uncomfortable than a polar bear in the desert or our president in a library, so frankly speaking you need to get the fuck out of there. She says she still wants to love you by the time you’ve ripped open half her nether regions en route to this crazy old world.)

We have also had reports of lewd and bawdy behaviour from your hotel room. They include kicking, squeezing and in some cases even nibbling of the bladder. Furthermore it has come to our attention that you have been urinating in the swimming pool. This, if you refer to section 2.1 a) of the tenant agreement you will see that such behaviour is not just frowned upon, it is absolutely bloody forbidden. (Also your mother and I are now tired of planning our routes according to public toilets whenever we leave the house.)

We hope you enjoy the last few days of your stay with us. To apologise for any inconvenience we have decided to offer you free amniotic cocktails at the Womb bar as well as breakfast, lunch and dinner at our renowned Umbilical Restaurant. We have also taken the liberty of arranging new living quarters for you and we hope that you will find it to your liking. (If not, tough shit. You’re going to be there for a while.)

Failure to comply will lead to forced eviction. (Basically there’s the hard way or the hard way. It’s a bit like the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club song: “There ain’t no easy way, no there ain’t no easy way out.”) This is more of a courtesy letter to let you know you should grab what you can from the minibar and the bathroom and get the hell out of there. Now.

 

Sincerely

Your parents.